Day 13: Issue a public apology.

Dear parents of the UK,

I am SORRY that having children is such a burden to you.

I am SORRY that, unlike me, the whole of the internet, the whole of the population of the world and the whole entirety of popular culture, you never realised that sometimes having children might inconvenience you or preclude you from doing something enjoyable.

I am SORRY that you no longer sleep.

I am SORRY that you never go out.

I am SORRY that you have nothing else to talk about.

I am SORRY that your life choices have been limited by your decision to have children.

But it was YOUR decision.

In view of that decision, I find it unfathomable that you now demand the right to the parking spaces nearest the entrance to the supermarket, the right to board before everyone else at airports, and the right to first choice of holiday dates in the work place.

Obviously, it is incredibly hard work having children. After all, you feel the need to complain about it ad infinitum on the internet, in person and on television, radio and in magazines. Obviously, it must have become much harder, and requires all these additional concessions to allow you as parents to cope, since World War II- when people still managed to bring up children with no money, no resources, husbands fighting overseas and bombs dropping from above throughout the night.

But most of all, I am SORRY that I, as a teacher who spends a mere 6 hours a day with your child, am unable to bring them up to your satisfaction. I am SORRY that you repeatedly feel the need to remind me:

“Well, it ain’t my job to bring ‘em up, is it?! That’s what you lot are for!”

And I am SORRY that you feel the need to constantly tell everyone how magical having children is, via the medium of inspirational-motivational-parenting-quotes, as if saying it all the time might distract from the soul-crushing depression and drudgery your life has become.

I offer you an alternative that I rather like:

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

I am SORRY that you find it so difficult and yet at the same time harp on about it so incessantly to convince the world that you haven’t made a terrible mistake, and I am SORRY that the fact that your life is on hold until they reach 25 and maybe consider moving out, and that you won’t be able to go to a pub, restaurant or cinema without become a social pariah for the next 12 years.

But most of all I am SORRY that I have the time, energy and resources to go out, eat out, drink cocktails, go dancing, take holidays and basically have a FUCKING GOOD TIME.

Want fun, money, a successful career, regular holidays, a nice home, a nice car and a rewarding social life? 

Easy-peasy: Don’t have kids then.