5 reasons you get out of bed...

I generally get up without too much complaint. It’s hard some days, because my bed is too damn comfy and I am warm and cosy and have a hard-on I need to re-organise.

But I don’t really struggle to get up.  I just leave it to the last possible second before I do.

But in that fuzzy little bit of time where I fantasise unrealistically about phoning in sick, or going back under the covers and hiding – in that strange 10 minutes that feels like 10 seconds, I wonder about what it would be like if I stayed in bed, and then I immediately leap out of bed and get ready for school.

And here are 5 reasons why...

1) THE GUILT

You may have read fairly recently, about what happens when I don’t go to work. I have my class pretty much under the thumb now, though there are always surprises in special needs. But when I’m not there, they turn into animals. They are abusive, they are violent, they are obnoxious. And my staff will have a shocking day, and the children will have a shocking day, and their parents will have a shocking night...  all because I didn’t go to work. I am the glue that holds the class together, and without me it will be a disaster and I really can’t do that to my staff. Also, I will have to pick up the pieces when I return and it’s really just much easier if I go in and make the day work.

I should add, I’m not blowing my own trumpet.  I’m not especially skilled or amazing. It’s just the way it works in my class.  That is the pattern and always has been. I am their consistent, trusted adult, and no-one else will do. They will punish the other staff if I’m not there... as they did last week.

2) THE HASSLE

It’s not just a case of phoning in sick. It’s getting up, calling in sick, then firing up my laptop, then spending probably an hour writing cover plans for my lessons that day, then emailing them. Then contacting my staff to warn them. By the time I’ve done all that I could be at work, at my desk, listening to Radio 4 and doing something useful. It’s not practical to skip school unless you really have to.

3) THE MONEY

I’m pretty well paid these days. Everything you hear about teachers’ pay and teachers’ pensions being poor is a bit of a myth really. My pay goes up all the time, and it’s pretty generous. And the pension is REALLY generous. Don’t get me wrong, I work extremely hard. It is not an easy job most days, and we get ignored, we get abused, we get spat at... we get hurt! Often, in fact. But the pay really is pretty reasonable.  Especially for the hours I do... it’s not like mainstream where the kids are lovely but you lose every weekend and evening. The days in special are hard and scary, but you don’t have the same level paperwork of waiting for you afterwards.

I find money quite motivating. When I’m having a particularly hard day, and they’ve pushed me a little too far, I calculate my hourly rate. Then my half hourly, then how much money I’ve actually earned in the time I’ve been being verbally abused and I think “Ooh, actually, this is a bargain!” and it really helps me endure it professionally.

4) THE MUSIC

When I am struggling to get up in the morning (usually at the end of term when I have cumulative exhaustion) I burn myself a new CD. So excited am I at the prospect of playing my new CD in the car, that I happily leap out of bed and hurry to work so I can hear it. The same can be said for sunny weather and roof-down days. There is no greater pleasure than driving to work on a morning warm enough to have the roof down.

5) THE FUN

I actually kind of love my job.  Yes, when you get right down to it, they’re completely mad, but it is immensely satisfying and I’m GOOD AT IT. The reason the days (usually) go well for me is because I am getting very, very good at steering my charges through their various frustrations and misapprehensions, especially at this point in the year when I know them so well. They’re good fun, they’re endlessly amusing and I manage to build quite a lot of fun into most days. I need them to enjoy it, so on top of the maths and English and science and RE, we always find time to do something fun.

And consequently, I have fun too.

Discuss a quote: The problem with parents...

People think I hate children, but it’s not true. They are well annoying, no doubt about it. They are dirty and loud and selfish and expensive and generally unlikeable, but I don’t hate children.

Because I just don’t blame them.

It’s parents I hate, and here’s why...

There was a time, perhaps long, long ago, during which teachers were respected members of their local community. They were trained, qualified and people valued their advice. People looked up to them.

Parents respected them.

Something has gone very wrong in recent years.  Parents now talk about ‘Parents’ Rights’ and see themselves as customers, or clients. They are not.  They are inexperienced amateurs guessing their way through child rearing. They are not qualified to make decisions, they are not experienced, they are not trained.

And there would be nothing wrong with that; that would be fine, were it not for the fact that they seem to believe that the very fact that they have conceived a child makes them an expert on children.

They say things like “He’s my child. I know best!” And sometimes that is no doubt true, but not always.

They say things like “Don’t you tell me how to bring up my child!” and sometimes that is valid. But not always.

And they say things like “If you were a parent, you'd say the same thing" and sometimes that is relevant, but not always.

I should add that this is not all parents.  Only the most moronic and aggressive, usually. But in my line of work, I hear it a lot.  And every time, I have to bite my tongue.

Now, sadly, they very fact of having a child means that you are automatically right about everything to do with that child. That you can do no wrong and that every decision you make is sacrosanct because it is your child and you cannot be questioned.  You cannot be mistaken.

You are beyond reproach and beyond accountability.

YOU ARE A PARENT.

And yet, so many manage to get it so, so wrong.

Most parents are fine. They do their best, and muddle through. You only get two or three goes at it, generally, so you don’t get to hone your art. And that’s okay. Mistakes are expected- you learn as you go.

But don’t go thinking that your every decision is the only one; that other ideas, opinions and suggestions are irrelevant. Don’t go thinking that you know best, in every situation, regardless of prior experience, irrespective of circumstances and contrary to advice. You don’t always have the answer, and being the parent does not always make you right.

Having a child makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

If you had to give a speech, what would you say? BEDM - Day 12.

If I had to make a speech, if I had the opportunity to broadcast a message that would be heard by lots of people, what message would be sufficiently important to best capitalise on this rare circumstance? What could I say that wouldn’t squander this opportunity to be widely heard?

DON’T BE A DICK, would be my keynotes address of choice.

JUST BE NICE.  The three little words by which I try to operate, and the simplest distillation of wisdom I try to instil in my new class each year. I would say this...

When you’re walking along the pavement in a pair or a group, concertina yourselves to take up just a little bit less space, so other people can get by coming the other way. Don’t make us walk in the gutter, and just barrel forward because you want to walk two or three abreast. I’ve noticed this a lot lately.  Often, @superlative and I will adjust formation and walk one behind the other as we pass people, to allow everyone to continue on a narrow pavement. Many other people do the same.  Lots though, and it does seem to be a lot, now crash on, and make you walk in single file, IN THE GUTTER, so they don’t have to move.  Because... because they don’t care.

Don’t be a dick. Just be nice.

If you’re a pedestrian waiting to cross the road, and a car stops to allow you across, by all means walk at a reasonable pace- no-one need run. But don’t walk deliberately slowly because you’re texting. Or for any other reason. That person has stopped out of courtesy, when they really needn’t have- you could do the same and walk at a normal pace, to acknowledge that you don’t want to waste their time.

Don’t be a dick, just be nice.

If you’re parallel parking on a street, at the of a row of bays, try to go all the way to the end. Don’t park your car 6 feet from the end of the bay, leaving a massive amount of space, but insufficient room for anyone to actually fit a car in. This just means that there’s generally less space and someone won’t be able to park tonight. It’s like parking slap in the middle of two spaces and robbing another resident of a space.

Don’t be a dick. Just be nice.

And if you’re leaving a shop, don’t walk through the main door and then stop immediately you find yourself outside. There will likely be people leaving behind you, walking behind you because you are probably also walking very slowly. These people will then come to a complete stop behind you, because you are now blocking the door. They will be trapped and unable to escape and may become frustrated.

Don’t be a dick.  Just be nice.

And if you’re a cyclist, riding to work in the rush hour, and there is a massive empty cycle lane running the entire length of the road out of town, use it. Don’t cycle along in the road, limiting every road user to your 6 mile an hour speed. You have an entire special lane, built specifically for you at great expense to local residents, about 2 feet further to your left. It’s right next to you, and you could use it much more safely, and allow car drivers to then go at a more appropriate speed.

Don’t be a dick. Just be nice.

In short, try to think about other people. Say ‘thanks’ or give the little nod when someone waves you across, or lets your past. Walk as quickly as you realistically can to avoid holding people up needlessly, especially if they’ve stopped to let you past. Pull over to answer your phone when you’re walking through the shops. Don’t just stop dead in your tracks and cause a people-pile-up outside Next. Think about other people and not just yourself.  Try to be nice.

Don’t be a dick.

Thank you all for coming; it’s been an honour to give this address. I hope you have found it useful and thought-provoking, and I wish you all the best on your departure. Thank you.

Dissertation Complaints Service

I handed my MA dissertation in a month ago. A month before the deadline, I hasten to add. It has since been forgotten and life is good, calm and relaxing again. 

The Guilt is gone.

But now they write to me asking for my feedback on the dissertation supervision process. 

And what a can of worms they have opened.  This isn't, I should add, what I sent them.  This is what I wrote whilst writing my dissertation, every time I received any feedback for a chapter I'd just submitted to my supervisor. This is what I wrote in preparation for the day I would be asked to comment on the process. My actual response is a lot kinder...

10 problems with the dissertation supervision process.

1) Your sentences are too long:
You insist that 'mixed SEN classes' has to be changed to ‘classes of pupils with many different special needs diagnoses’. ASC pupils has to be changed to ‘pupils with a diagnosis of autism spectrum condition’.
If you make me write long sentences then ALL MY SENTENCES WILL BE LONG!

2) Canvas vs. Canvass. 
I want to canvass staff opinion.  Canvas is old sacking.  Please stop telling me to write about old sacking.

3) Avoid grouping pupils by SEN. Consider them as individuals.
THIS IS WHAT MY DISSERTATION IS ABOUT. In my teaching, of COURSE I consider pupils as individuals.  It’s not about diagnoses. But this dissertation is about a stereotype in labeling and in grouping of students. I am trying to explode a myth about pupils with autism and with EBSD.  It is VERY hard to do that if you aren’t allowed to a) USE THESE TERMS, and B) Consider the pupils as groups.

4) Your dissertation needs to be about that.
No. YOUR dissertation might be about that.  Mine is about this. Please stop trying to change what I’m actually investigating long after the research has taken place.  You agreed to the research at the very start.  You said it was interesting. You said it was brave. You said it was new. Now I’ve actually done it and I’m writing about it, stop telling me to change the focus and talk about pupil emotions and treating pupils as individuals, on the understanding that “this will be more interesting”.  That is NOT the focus of my research. A consideration, perhaps, but not what all the research is working towards.

5) Underlining terms used in school.
STOP UNDERLINING THINGS LIKE ‘SEN teachers’ and ‘ASC department’. The school has an ASC department.  I know in your out-of-touch, ideal, self-indulgent world of research, we don’t separate ASC pupils.  Sorry- pupils who have a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Condition. But this is a case study. In a school. Where I have been allowed to conduct research. They have a department for pupils with ASC.  It is called the ASC department.  I really can’t do anything about this when I’m writing about the school. Please stop underlining it and suggesting that I change the wording to something your dippy dreamland researchers like more.  That is what it is called.

6) Commas
Yes, I overuse commas sometimes. And many of your corrections are valid.  But once in your stride in removing excess commas, an excess of zeal has led to the obliteration of nearly all the commas in my meisterwerk. Seriously. You eliminated all the commas in an entire paragraph and now it reads like a children’s book.

7) Repetitious repetition
Constant comments about taking care not to repeat. Duly noted.
Followed by ENDLESS requests to reference a comment that was referenced in a previous section. “Use a reference to discuss pupil voice”. Terrific... I refer you to the ENTIRE CHAPTER I wrote on that, full of interesting, relevant references. Should I just repeat myself? Or would that be repetitive?

8) Trust your own judgement.  And then don’t.
I suffered prolonged conversations about how my view as a practitioner IS relevant, and how my own observations and views carry weight. Followed by constant requests to back up my views with documentary evidence and references.  There is no evidence. There are NO references. These are my views.  The ones you just asked for.

9) Anecdotal evidence that is widely published and scientifically validated.
My dissertation- as advised, is about exploding a myth. Or perhaps supporting it, depending on outcomes. This is based on ANECDOTAL evidence. On staffroom hearsay and even hyperbole. There is no material evidence for this. My dissertation is the first time this has been explored. As far as research shows, this has not been written about before. Please stop asking for evidence of this anecdotal evidence. I already told you it is anecdotal.

10) This will be more interesting.
This is a little repetitious of point 4, but we will proceed as it deserves some exploration in its own right. Having accepted, sanctioned and seemingly understood my dissertation project and the focus of my research, you now keep skewing it, pushing it in different directions and telling me to focus on something else that you prefer because “it will make it more interesting.” This is annoying and unreasonable. I can’t change the focus of my research now. It’s nearly March. There is no time, and the research is essentially finished. But what is more annoying is you saying that YOUR ideas are more interesting, and that YOUR research likes to focus on this, that and those. That is YOUR research, based upon YOUR interests.  I am interested in autism and EBSD, and how hard it is to co-educate these pupil groups. It’s fascinating, really! It really isn’t very helpful or professional to keep trying to push my investigation of pupil behaviour in different conditions into some fluffy, flowery rhapsodising over pupil emotions and individuality just because that is what YOU are interested in.  It doesn’t interest me remotely. Which is fine, but I haven’t burst into your office and ordered you to change your research into something more in-keeping with my own interests and preferences.